When Feelings Show Up Between Client and Therapist: Understanding Transference and Countertransference

Therapy is often understood as a dedicated safe space to talk about feelings, relationships, and past experiences. But sometimes, those feelings and relationship patterns don’t stay in the stories we tell… they begin to show up within the therapeutic relationship itself.

A client may notice that they deeply want their therapist’s reassurance, fear disappointing them, feel unusually angry after a session, worry they are being judged, or feel sad at the thought of ending therapy. A therapist may notice feeling especially protective of a client, deeply affected by their pain, concerned about a rupture, or aware that something in the client’s experience is stirring a strong response in them.

These experiences are often described through the concepts of transference and countertransference.

Although these words can sound formal or intimidating, they describe something deeply human: we carry our past relationships into new ones. We learn what closeness feels like, what conflict means, whether we can depend on others, whether our needs are welcome, and whether it is safe to be fully seen. Therapy can become one of the places where these learned patterns become visible not because something has gone wrong, but because the relationship has become meaningful enough for them to emerge.

What is transference?

In the context of therapy, transference is the way feelings, expectations, fears, hopes, and

patterns from previous important relationships can shape how someone experiences their

therapist.

This does not mean that a client is confused or that their feelings are not real. The feelings are real. Rather, transference recognizes that our present reactions are often influenced by what we have lived through before.

For example, someone who grew up feeling criticized may become anxious that their therapist is disappointed in them if they miss a session or struggle to “complete homework”. Someone who has experienced abandonment may feel distressed when their therapist goes on vacation, takes longer than expected to respond, or discusses the eventual end of therapy. Someone whose needs were minimized may hesitate to share difficult feelings or apologize repeatedly for taking up space. Another person may experience their therapist as especially comforting, safe, or nurturing because those needs have not been consistently met elsewhere.

It is also possible to notice feelings of attraction toward a therapist. This can feel particularly confusing or uncomfortable to admit, but it is more common than people often realize. Feeling attraction does not mean you have done anything wrong, nor does it necessarily mean you want or should pursue a relationship with your therapist. It can be part of transference and can hold important information.

Sometimes, attraction reflects the experience of being listened to carefully, treated with consistency, having your feelings taken seriously, or feeling genuinely seen. It may point toward qualities you have been missing, longing for, or needing more of in another relationship… or perhaps in your relationship with yourself. Feelings of attraction can also be connected to safety, admiration, care, vulnerability, and the hope of being understood. Rather than treating these feelings as something shameful, therapy can become a place to explore them with curiosity: What feels so meaningful about this connection? What am I needing? Where else might I want more of this in my life?

Sometimes transference feels warm. A client may feel trust, admiration, safety, closeness, or relief in the presence of their therapist. Sometimes it feels painful or confusing. A client may feel angry, rejected, suspicious, guarded, embarrassed, or afraid. Often, it’s a mix of both.

None of these reactions mean a client is “too attached,” difficult, or doing therapy incorrectly. They may be communicating something important about how the client has had to survive, protect themselves, seek connection, or make sense of relationships.

Why transference can matter in therapy

Many of our deepest wounds happen in relationships. We are hurt through abandonment, betrayal, criticism, inconsistency, emotional neglect, rejection, discrimination, control, or the repeated feeling that who we are is somehow too much or not enough.

Because these wounds happen relationally, they often need a relational space to be understood and healed.

Therapy cannot erase the past or replace the people who hurt us. But it can offer a different kind of experience: a space where a feeling can be named instead of dismissed; where conflict can be talked through instead of avoided; where needs can be expressed without punishment; and where misunderstandings can be repaired with care.

For example, if a client feels that I have misunderstood them, the goal is not to convince them that they should not feel that way. The feeling itself deserves attention. I want to understand what happened for them, what it reminded them of, and what they needed in that moment. Even when I did not intend harm, impact matters. Exploring these moments can help clients practise something that may have been missing in other relationships: being able to speak honestly, be taken seriously, and remain connected through discomfort or conflict.

This is often where meaningful change happen. Not in having a perfect therapeutic relationship, but in having a relationship where there is room for truth, accountability, boundaries, and repair.

What is countertransference?

Countertransference refers to a therapist’s emotional, physical, or relational responses to a client.

Therapists are not emotionless observers. We are human beings, and we can feel moved, concerned, hopeful, sad, protective, frustrated, connected, or uncertain in response to the people we work with. A client’s story may resonate with something in our own lives. Their patterns may bring up an urge to rescue, fix, reassure, withdraw, or work harder. Their pain may stay with us after session.

Having these responses does not make a therapist unprofessional. In fact, carefully noticing them can sometimes provide valuable information about what a client may be experiencing in the world.

For instance, if a therapist consistently feels pressure to solve everything quickly, it may be worth wondering whether the client has learned that their distress is too much for others to sit with. If a therapist notices a strong urge to protect a client, it may point toward the vulnerability that client carries or it may signal something the therapist needs to reflect on in themselves. The feeling alone is not the answer. It is information that needs care, thoughtfulness, and ethical responsibility.

What this means for me as a therapist

As a therapist, I believe my emotional responses are my responsibility to hold, reflect on, and understand. My clients should never have to take care of me, protect my feelings, or feel responsible for managing what comes up for me in our work.

That is why self-reflection, supervision, consultation, and ongoing learning are important parts of ethical therapy. They help me distinguish between what may be happening in the therapeutic relationship, what may be connected to my own experiences, and what response will best support the client.

My role is not to be perfect, detached, or unaffected. My role is to be present, grounded, boundaried, and accountable.

I aim to bring curiosity to what happens in the room. If I notice a shift in connection, hesitancy, anger, withdrawal, or a strong emotional response, I may gently invite us to explore it together. I want clients to feel that they can tell me if something did not sit well, if they need more clarity, if they feel unseen, or if they are worried about how I see them.

This is especially important because therapy does involve a power imbalance. A therapist has professional knowledge, responsibility, and boundaries that shape the relationship. I take that seriously. A therapeutic relationship is not a friendship, and the boundaries of therapy exist to protect the client and make the space reliable. At the same time, boundaries do not mean emotional distance. They can create the safety needed for honest connection and meaningful work.

I also remain attentive to culture, identity, and lived experience. The ways we experience trust, authority, care, family, conflict, and emotional expression are shaped by our personal histories and our cultural contexts. Clients may have valid reasons to be cautious in relationships with professionals or systems. Therapy should make room for these realities!

What this could mean for a client

If you notice strong feelings toward your therapist, you do not need to feel ashamed of them, minimize them, or keep them hidden. Feeling something strongly in therapy does not mean you are doing anything wrong. It may simply mean that the relationship feels important and that something meaningful is being touched.

You may find yourself looking forward to sessions all week, feeling relief when you are there, or wishing you had more time. You may feel hurt when your therapist is away, when a session ends, or when you need to reschedule. You may worry that you are too much, too needy, too emotional, or not making enough progress. You may feel angry after your therapist challenges something you said, sets a boundary, or does not respond in the way you hoped they would. You may want them to understand you without having to explain yourself, especially if you have spent much of your life feeling unseen or misunderstood.

At times, you may feel like your therapist is the only person who truly sees you. At other times, you may feel unsure whether you can trust them at all. You may feel close to them one week and want to pull away the next. You may notice yourself trying to be the “good” client, holding back difficult thoughts, worrying about disappointing them, or feeling embarrassed when you need support.

These responses can be confusing, especially if they feel bigger than you expected. But they often make sense when we slow down and become curious about them. A strong need for reassurance may point to a history of having to handle pain alone. Fear of disappointing a therapist may connect to earlier experiences of criticism or conditional approval. Anger may be protecting a more vulnerable feeling underneath, such as hurt, fear, grief, or the worry that your needs will not matter. Wanting to withdraw may have once been the safest way to protect yourself in relationships.

All of this can be worth bringing into therapy.

You don’t need to use words like “transference,” and you do not need to know exactly why you feel what you feel before talking about it. You can simply begin with what feels true in the moment:

• “I felt like you were disappointed in me.”

• “I have been thinking about our last session, and I feel upset.”

• “I am scared you are judging me.”

• “I do not know why, but I really needed reassurance from you.”

• “Part of me feels close to you, and another part feels uncomfortable about that.”

• “I wanted to tell you something, but I was afraid of how you would react.”

• “I felt misunderstood, and I almost did not come back.”

• “I am worried that I need therapy too much.”

• “I feel confused about how strongly I feel connected to you.”

• “I know this feels awkward to say, but I think I may have feelings of attraction toward you.”

These are not disruptions to therapy. They are often part of the work itself. A therapist should respond to these conversations with steadiness, respect, and clear professional boundaries - not shame, avoidance, or encouragement. The purpose is not to act on these feelings, but to understand what they may be communicating and use that understanding in a way that supports the client’s wellbeing.

A therapeutic relationship can give clients a chance to notice familiar patterns as they happen, rather than only recognizing them afterward. For example, someone may realize that when they feel misunderstood, they automatically shut down. Someone else may notice that they quickly apologize for having needs, seek reassurance, or become distant when they begin to feel cared for. Naming these patterns in a supportive environment can create more choice. Instead of only reacting from old protective strategies, clients can begin to ask: What am I feeling right now? What does this remind me of? What do I need? What would it be like to express that need differently?

A therapist’s role is not to encourage dependence or become the centre of a client’s life. Therapy is meant to support a client’s independence, agency, and ability to build a fuller life beyond the therapy room. The relationship can be a meaningful source of support, but it is also a place to practise carrying that support inward and outward: into friendships, family relationships, partnerships, work, community, and one’s relationship with oneself.

Over time, therapy can help a client understand what their feelings are asking for. Perhaps safety, reassurance, autonomy, trust, grief, recognition, boundaries, or a chance to do something differently. The goal is not to get rid of the need for connection. It is to develop a more compassionate understanding of that need, and to learn that it can be expressed, explored, and responded to without shame.

A final thought

Transference and countertransference are not signs that therapy has become inappropriate or that something is wrong. They are natural aspects of human connection that require awareness, boundaries, and care. When approached ethically and compassionately, they can offer a window into the relationship patterns that have shaped us. They can help us understand what we expect from others, what we fear, what we long for, and what it might mean to experience connection in a new way. Therapy is not about never having difficult feelings toward another person. It is about learning to recognize those feelings, understand where they may come from, and respond to them with greater choice, compassion, and honesty.