Burnout and the link to our own inner child: Musings from a therapist.

Burnout is a layered concept; nuanced and complex, full of collective and individual experiences that contribute to this state within each one of us. Join me as we journey down the rabbit hole of inner child wounds and the beautiful adaptive strategies that we develop, and how these may contribute to experiences of burnout. As always, this is ‘thoughtful nattering’ from your friendly neighborhood therapist….

Inner child wounding is a universal concept; one that each individual will have to some degree, regardless of the childhood experiences we lived through. We are human, we will have pain. Inner child wounding is this pain, adaptive strategies are the incredibly intelligent coping tools that we developed to help protect us from this pain, from our experiences, and to ensure our survival needs were met. It is incredible amazing that our mind can adapt so quickly to ensure our safety, survival, and protection! AND, difficult when our survival tools pop up and contribute to difficulty in our lives, though well intentioned. Today’s reflections will take a look at a specific type of adaptation (self-abandonment) and its contribution to the burnout experience.

For those of us that grow up attuning to the room and to others, we may develop a beautiful strategy of safety that teaches us to ‘go with the flow’ and not ‘rock the boat.’ By swallowing our own wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings we successfully keep the peace within the home and within relationships that are necessary for our survival. As we do this, we learn that self-abandoning keeps us safe and meets our very basic needs of safety, connection, and survival.An amazing and intelligent adaptation, which can be oh so hard! This can be very subtle, so it can be difficult to recognize within ourselves…

When we learn and employ these strategies, these tools and narratives can be reinforced inadvertently by our loved ones and by socio-cultural means. Narratives and roles of what constitutes a ‘good’ human/parent/employee/partner/child, etc., are present and interconnected with our cultural gender expectations and what our society places value on. These messages are reinforced through various avenues: our family/relationship dynamics, our learned familial narratives, our child rearing expectations and teachings, pop culture/social media avenues, religious institutions, and institutions of work and their internal structure and policies. As people pleasing individuals we learn that to have our physical survival needs (shelter, food, water, warmth) and our emotional survival needs (acceptance, love, inclusion, value) met, we must attune, adapt, and self-abandon in order to appease another/a group/the dynamic.

Within the context of burnout, whether this is professionally, personally, or both, this strategy of self-abandonment is successful in terms of promotion, being valued and applauded for success, how hard you can work, how many milestones you can meet, and/ or how much of yourself can you give to your loved ones, how much time, energy, and care. In this context, self-sacrificing is often used as a marker of one's dedication, commitment, love, and work ethic. We tend to be praised and celebrated for these behaviours and characteristics. However, eventually we can’t hold anymore; our nervous system says no.

Ironically, it is these very narratives and systems that help create unrealistic expectations and roles that contribute to experiences of burnout. The noted characteristics and behaviours that are valued within our socio-cultural and familial narratives are also perceived in a negative light when the individual begins to experience the physical and mental symptoms of burnout, of the very traits that were valued and applauded. Thus, there is an invisible narrative underlying the traits and values; a set of unrealistic, unattainable, and contradictory expectations that when an individual attempts and is unable to continuously meet due to their humanity, they are then perceived as at fault, as being deficient in capacity, or having some sort of negative inherency. When this happens, the narrative is to blame the individual for not being ‘strong’ enough, for not having enough capacity, for not being as ‘good.’ The same systems and beliefs that create and perpetuate the symptoms, are the ones to shame and blame the individual.

Think of cultural and familial narratives of your own. What constitutes someone who is ‘good,’ has value, is celebrated, included, viewed as successful? In parenthood, in motherhood, fatherhood. In childhood, in school settings, in organized activities, in the workplace, in caregiving. What is valued? How is strength defined? How is being good defined? What traits and behaviours come to mind when discussing these concepts? Are they different across genders, roles, ages, workplaces, religions, cultures, etc.?

When we begin to see our self-abandonment as a brilliant survival strategy, when we begin to see the systems and narratives that help to keep this train going, we can then begin to increase our awareness and begin to slowly unravel and separate any concepts of negative inherency. We can begin to notice (without judgement) when we self-abandon; what does this look like? When do we defer decisions, when do we ‘go with the flow’ instead of stating or deciding what we need or want? What do we notice happening in our body? What are we afraid may happen if we assert ourselves, speak up, have a difference of method or opinion? Even in simple situations like what movie to watch, what to have for supper, what to do in your free time, and creating free time. By staying curious, utilizing awareness, and most importantly!!!! ….engaging with self-compassion and non-judgment, we can begin to notice patterns and signals when we feel the need to self-abandon. As we gently engage with this part of us that so intelligently helped to keep us connected and safe, we can then begin to slowly notice, regulate, and choose differently when it is safe to do so.

Remember survival strategies are there for a reason!! It is a tool for your toolbox. Start small with choosing what to eat, or where to go for a walk, or saying that you don’t want to do something. Whatever feels like a small and safe step, while continuing to remember you are human, these strategies have started for a reason and will take practice. Progress over perfection, and compassion over judgement.

What are your thoughts? Have you noticed any self-abandonment tendencies in yourself? How do you know it’s happening? Where do you feel it in your body? What thoughts, feelings, or automatic responses pop up for you?